"Breast is best." I know it. You know it. Anyone not living in a cave knows it, although, come to think of it, cave dwellers probably don't get out much, so by necessity, they know it too. There's not been a single study over the past twenty years that doesn't show how breastfeeding makes babies smart, healthy, strong, compassionate, AND gives them a sparkling personality, bright white teeth, and movie star good looks. (I may have made up that last bit.)
I don't know whether it's the sleep deprivation or the fact that I logged enough hours in C's glider this past weekend to watch the entire first season of Downton Abbey, read a bunch of blogs, and hit refresh on my Facebook feed about a hundred times, but right now, those studies aren't doing it for me.
And while I'm much too stubborn to quit, I will admit that over the past few weeks, a part of me has wanted to. The part of me that is tired of being stuck in a chair, or when we're out, the van, instead of doing the fun stuff. The part of me that feels solely responsible for making the decisions about how to best care for our baby and would love a couple days off. The part of me that is over dealing with this acne, which I know will only clear up by taking prescriptions a breastfeeding mother can't take.
Basically the vain, selfish, simplistic part of me.
Somehow knowing that doesn't really help.
And so I need to remember why breast is best for me.
I need to remember that delicious feeling of relaxation that falls over me while nursing my baby, and how I always laugh when my husband waves his hand in front of my glazed, milk-drugged eyes.
That not having to prepare or clean bottles is a gift, because Lord knows I don't need anything else to clean.
How much I love free stuff, especially if it's good stuff.
That my older boys are learning that breastfeeding is normal. And since they won't be nursing their babies themselves (oh, the tears that fell the day that truth came out!), I so want them to support their wives, like their father has supported me.
How much I love my baby's tiny hand clasped around my pointer finger while he eats, eyes closed and content.
That I can make everything okay - just me, by myself - for a little while longer.
And what a beautiful miracle that is.
Sounds like you are figuring out what works best for you and your family. It can be hard to determine that!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, Jamie. It really is hard. I was hoping that writing this post would help me iron some things out, and I think it did. Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDeleteMy boys are older now - 7 and nearly 6. I won't go so far as to say I want to go back to when they were babies, but I would - if I could - go back to the days of breast feeding. The peace, the quiet, the rest... for me, it was the best part of the day. I will always consider it one of the greatest bonding experiences.
ReplyDeleteHang in there... you're doing great!
I went through the same thing with both my boys...especially with my first. It was HARD with him. The tears, the stress!! But it IS all worth it if you want it to be. And it's not forever. :)
ReplyDeleteBTW - I see I made your blog list!!! So honored!
I cried when breastfeeding came to an end - at 18 months. The boy? Was just fine. It was the emotional connection I missed so much. Yet, a week or two later, the relief finally washed over me.
ReplyDeleteDo it as long as you both love it. Hang on in there!
I adored breastfeeding! The closeness to the baby was just amazing. I also understand the feeling of just wanting to get out of the house and not having to worry about the baby needing me. It's a mixed blessing, but breastfeeding is definitely worth it. I'm glad you've worked it out.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to yeahwrite!
Thank you, ladies, for the thoughtful comments. With this being my 3rd baby, and having nursed the other 2 a year each, you'd think I wouldn't be feeling this way. Sigh. I do love that connection with him, and C is a baby born for nursing. I really needed/need to focus on the wonderful parts because they're there and this time is short.
ReplyDeleteEven with the sleep deprivation, you've got an intense amount of perspective here, which is a pretty tremendous accomplishment. I'd go back to those days in a split second if I could. Much love to you and C!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Leia!
DeleteI will admit, by the time each of my girls hit 12 months I was over it. I never was one who "LOVED" nursing, but it seems like you I had a similar outlook: healthy, cheap, less work, and less CLEAN UP!
ReplyDeleteYou got it! Luckily, at 12 months, my first 2 boys were over it too!
DeleteI remember those milk-glazed expressions... that feeling when they'd finally latch and you would let down - ahhhhh.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, it was a HUGE cost factor to me. I didn't have to boil my breast, or buy liners for it, or make sure it wasn't past expiry lol.
Haha! Very true!
DeleteI breastfed five babies for one year each, and I KNOW I felt like you EVERY single time. You capture that feeling kindly, sweetly, lovingly. I think my version of this might have a slightly tartier slant, but alas, I have moved on as we Mommas are apt to do as the babies morph to toddlers and then to teens. Your piece made me a little nostalgic for the moment when I could fix my universe so simply and lovingly.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Your comment really means a lot to me. And five years of nursing! You are an amazing woman!
DeleteI remember having these feelings too, and I'm actually a little sad my breastfeeding days are over. Hang in there! It will be over before you know it...and then you'll probably me missing it ;)
ReplyDeleteVery true! I know I felt that way the last couple weeks of nursing my oldest two. And time is passing so much faster this time around!
DeleteGirl, my boys are ten and twelve and I'll never nurse a baby again; if I could rent one and turn the faucets on, I'd do it in a flat second.
ReplyDeleteHaha! Love it!
DeleteOof, what a commitment. Good for you for having perspective.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Gia. And thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI'm just starting breast feeding again and dealing with the back aches and sore nipples and remembering that article in the atlantic "The Case Against Breastfeeding" (really interesting - http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/) with perhaps too much fondness. But I breastfed my fisrt for 2 yeas and ended up being sad to finally wean him. It is a really special bond. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteFantastic article, Kim. Thank you so much for sharing. To say I can relate is putting it mildly. :-) You are right though, it is a special bond, and we'll keep trucking along!
DeleteI want to give you a great big hug right now! It's over WAY too soon! Hang in there. :0)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sara! I will!
DeleteThis is so beautiful. And here in lies why you should continue.
ReplyDeleteI so wanted to breast feed and I did for a short time but my daughter wasn't latching properly and wasn't gaining. We went to the pediatrician and were sent to the childrens hospital because her mouth is formed like that of a baby with cleft pallet. She didn't have it but she does have a high arch and couldn't latch. She also had horrible acid reflux do we had to purchase very expensive formula.
I would have given anything to breast feed.
But I can understand your feeling trapped and like its only you who can do those things.
Luckily you can do it.
Xo
Oh, Leighann, I am so sorry. I know that must have been heartbreaking. You are right. I am very lucky, and thank you for the reminder. Hugs.
DeleteI loved breastfeeding too. I weaned my firstborn when she was only 8 months, which I later regretted. With my second, I let him naturally wean. He went to 16 months. I was perfect for both of us. Keep hanging in there. You know this time with your little baby doesn't last.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jennifer. You are right - this time is short.
DeleteI grieved when I weaned my kids. They're 12 and 15 and I'm pretty much over it now. Almost.
ReplyDeleteLol! Thanks for stopping by, Kimberly!
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ReplyDeleteOh, girl! I totally relate to this - especially being too stubborn to quit! And on Valentine's Day I wrote each boy a note of things I love about him, and on Thad's I wrote that I loved the way he holds my finger while he eats. We think so much alike - we should be friends or something!
ReplyDeleteWe should be! Like best friends or something! ;-) I LOVE your idea of writing each boy a note of things you love about them. I will have to do that.
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