Thankful for little surprises.

One year ago today, I woke up and took my monthly pregnancy test. (Yes, monthly pregnancy test. Just to be sure.) I was still breastfeeding and still had not gotten a postpartum period, so I knew it would be negative. I brushed my teeth for the obligatory two minutes, and picked up the test to toss it in the trash. As it left my fingers, I glanced down at it. Thud, went the test, hitting the bottom of the can. Thud, went my stomach, dropping to the floor. Two lines. Positive.

Let me rewind for just a bit. I have always wanted to be a mommy. This has been my dream job since I was two years old and my parents brought my little sister home from the hospital. So not long after we got married in 2005, Hubby and I started trying to have a baby. It turns out that this is very difficult to do when the female (me) does not ovulate. Or rarely does. A 45 day cycle, followed by a 100 day anovulatory cycle, followed by more anovulatory cycles had me turning to my OB/GYN for help. He prescribed Femara, a breast-cancer-turned-fertility drug, that induces ovulation. Two cycles later, still no pregnancy. He switched me to Clomid and started running other tests to make sure my tubes were clear, that there were no other problems. Luckily everything else was okay, but I still wasn't pregnant. He gave me a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) in Savannah, and I started making the two hour drive for more appointments and more tests. My first cycle with the RE was successful, but the pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. We were devastated. We waited two months for my body to heal from the D&C, and the next cycle was our golden ticket. 100mg of Clomid, a 10,000 unit HcG trigger shot, 9 months of pregnancy, and countless prayers gave us our sweet E.

Those who have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss know that it can scar you. So when I saw those two pink lines, the thud of my stomach was a reflection of many different emotions. Shock, that I was able to get pregnant without fertility treatments, something we thought was impossible. Excitement, that we might have another child. Fear, that we would lose this baby too. And guilt, that we were wronging E, the baby we had worked so hard for, by having another so soon. When I got him up that morning, I cried as I hugged him and told him how sorry I was. He was only 10.5 months. I'm sure he thought I was nuts.

When my husband came home for lunch, the conversation went something like this:

Me: I think we should have another baby.

Hubby: Okay, sounds good.

Me: I mean, I really think we should have a baby this June.

Hubby: Well, you'd have to be pregnant right now to do that...Wait...(dawning comprehension)...Are you pregnant right now?!

He was thrilled. And the more I thought about it, the more excited I got. I was still nervous about having "two under two," still nervous about a possible miscarriage, but we had always wanted two or three children, and I was so relieved that we didn't have to go through the emotional roller coaster of fertility treatments. More than anything, I was already desperately in love with this little baby.

The feeling of guilt lasted a little longer, until the day W came home from the hospital. Instantly I saw that just like my sister was for me, W is the best thing that has ever happened to E. I'm not able to be the perfectionist mommy I was. I've had to let some things go, and that's probably best for all of us. Today I watched E share his favorite Thomas train with W (who just stared at it, but that's not the point), and saw true love. And there's no feeling on Earth like watching your two babies smile and giggle with each other.

So today I am celebrating the anniversary of those two pink lines that the delivered the wonderful news: miracle on the way. I am so thankful for my little surprise.